(As you may already know, Haiku has 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.)

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin

Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mud flaps

A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

In Wal-Mart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass

Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again

Flashlights pierce darkness
No night crawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
That damn Jeff Gordon

Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggart

Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'clock

White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler

Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

Them Flies

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.  "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

The trooper angrily asked, "Are you calling me a horse's rear?"

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be president.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. The world is your urinal.
10. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
11. Same work... more pay.
12. Wrinkles add character.
13. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental  $100.
14. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
15. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you  with: "So, notice anything different?"
18. One mood, ALL the damn time.
19. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
20. You know stuff about tanks.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. You can open all your own jars.
23. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
25. You can kill your own food.
26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
28. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
34. The fact that you hate someone, doesn't preclude you from having great sex with them.
35. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
39. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
40. You almost never have strap problems in public.
41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
43. You don't have to shave below your neck.
44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
46. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.  One  broom was, of course, the bride broom.  The other was the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.  The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.  The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!," said the groom broom.  "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.  The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the charity office's caller mumbled, "Um...no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken caller began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated caller, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

The lawyer cut him off once again: "--and if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?"

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.  She charged that he had called her a pig.  The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.  "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?"

"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.

"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....”

God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant, as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with an somewhat older, very stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

"1956," was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.  "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."  "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"  "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"  "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.  "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.  The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer.  For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother.  Then one night the child was ready to solo.  The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end.  "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail"...

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.  It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.  "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.  "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.  With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.  Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.  Finally, his big sister had enough.  "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."  "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.  Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.  He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."  His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."  "How did you know?" his mother asked.  "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.  "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself.  His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot.  She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."  He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."  A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.  The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.  "What are you doing?" his mother asked.  "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained.  "I'm looking for the seal."

One morning, a young freshman called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over and help me.  I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"  She replied, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.  She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box.

He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed.  "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.  Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.  After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.  It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.  "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.  He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry.  As you may already know, Haiku has 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.

   A file that big?
   It might be very useful.
   But now it is gone.

   The Web site you seek
   Can not be located but
   Countless more exist.

   Chaos reigns within.
   Reflect, repent, and reboot.
   Order shall return.

    ABORTED effort:
   Close all that you have worked on.
   You ask far too much.

   Windows NT crashed.
   I am the Blue Screen of Death.
   No one hears your screams.

   Yesterday it worked.
   Today it is not working.
   Windows is like that.

   First snow, then silence.
   This thousand dollar screen dies
   So beautifully.

   With searching comes loss
   And the presence of absence:
   "My Novel" not found.

   The Tao that is seen
   Is not the true Tao-until
   You bring fresh toner.

   Stay the patient course.
   Of little worth is your ire.
   The network is down.

   A crash reduces
   Your expensive computer
   To a simple stone.

   Three things are certain:
   Death, taxes, and lost data.
   Guess which has occurred.

   You step in the stream,
   But the water has moved on.
   This page is not here.

   Out of memory.
   We wish to hold the whole sky,
   But we never will.

   Having been erased,
   The document you're seeking
   Must now be retyped.

   Serious error.
   All shortcuts have disappeared.
   Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

A cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient.  He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C.  He was also paid $50,000 to present his find.   He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon.  So he decides to do the lectures full-time.  He hires a driver and purchases a limousine.

One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about six months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know... This is completely unfair."

"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.

"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," says the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded.  I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart." says the driver.

"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what.  You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right," says the surgeon.

The driver replies, "OK. You're on."

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats, and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat before sitting unobtrusively in the back of the room.  The driver then walks up to the podium and is flawless in giving the surgeon's presentation.  Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems.  The surgeon is very impressed.

Just when the driver thinks he's done, however, an audience member wearing a lab coat and tape-covered glasses stands up and asks the driver a very complex question that he is just not able to answer.

"You know..." replies the driver, "I have given this lecture a hundred times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."

Billy's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.

Polly told the insurance company, "Billy and I had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and we want our money."

The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly.  Insurance doesn't work quite like that.  We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel Billy's life insurance."

Two rabbis were praying.  They both prostrated themselves before the alter, touched their foreheads to the floor, and wailed, "Oh, Lord, before thee I am nothing!"  This went on and on.

A janitor in the back of the hall was inspired by their devotion, and dropping his mop he fell to the floor, prostrating himself and repeating, "Oh Lord, before thee I am nothing!"

One of the rabbis elbowed the other, gestured back towards the janitor, and smirked, "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

• Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
• 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale  University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton
• 1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
• Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knot-furlong
• 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less  filling = 1 lite year
• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
• 1/2 large intestine = 1 semicolon
• 1000 aches = 1 megahertz
• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
• Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =1 bananosecond
• 1/2 bath = 1 demijohn
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step", the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee

• 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
• 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
• 365.25 days = 1 Unicycle
• 500 millionaires = 1 seminary
• 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
• 10 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
• 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 1 million billion piccolos = 1 gigolo
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What are youse asking me for?  What am I, the Encyclopedia?  Look it up yourself!

Q: How many grunge rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to stand on the chair and stick his finger in the socket, the second to kick the chair out from under him.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but the hard part is getting them inside the bulb.

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."

Two young men were working on a house.  The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.  The other, somewhat curious, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away, Bubba?"

Bubba explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective.  If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

His friend became exasperated, and yelled, "You moron!  The nails pointed toward you aren't defective!  They're for the other side of the house!"

1. If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
2. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while you're ahead"?
3. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
4. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
5. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
6. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me-they were cramming for their finals.
7. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.  Toothpicks?
8. Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office?  What are we supposed to do, write to these men?
9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

A man walks into the front door of a bar.  He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.  The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor.  The bartender offers to call a cab for him.  The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar.  He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.  The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab.  The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.  He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.  The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks.  He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science.  This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.  Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.  This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".  You'll know it when you see it.

Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers -- in short, everything they could think of.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face.  He didn't even kiss his mother hello.  Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.  Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.

His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, at the end of the semester, little Tommy brought home his report card.  He quietly laid it on the table and went straight up to his room.  With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in Math.

She could no longer hold back her curiosity.  She went to his room and said:  "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, and said "NO."

"Well, then", she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?  Just what was it???"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign at the head of the room, I knew they weren't fooling around."

The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.  "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied.  "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by.  The driver did a double take, and said, "My God.  I've got to give up drinking!  Look at the test they're giving now."

Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well.  The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in.  The doctor says, "Lou, sit down.  I've got some bad news.  You don't have much time to live."

Lou is obviously upset about this, and asks, "How much longer do I have, Doc?"

The doctor replies, "Ten."

Lou says, "Ten what?  Weeks?  Months?  Years?"

The doctor then says, "Nine."