Language Barriers

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.  The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.  The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other.  "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.  After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.  The passenger screamed, "Look at the window.  There's an old ghost's face there!"  The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.  The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger shakily handed the ghostly figure a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.  The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."  All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.  He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly whispered.  The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God!  He's back!"  The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
35. Beer.
36. Lower car from jack stands
37. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
38. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
39. Drive car 1 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse. Your call!

I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ...but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.

Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.

I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.

Do you want to play doctor?  That'll be five hundred dollars.

Wait till my wife hears about this!

I had a good time tonight.  I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

THE CLINTON Virus....

Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did.

Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Quits after two bytes.

Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb.

Deletes all old files.

Disks can no longer be inserted.

Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Only attacks minor files.

Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

Bubba fell asleep while drinking beer, watching TV, and smoking.  His trailer caught fire, and it was so far out of town that by the time the volunteer fire department arrived, the trailer was little more than a smoking heap of ashes.  His body was recovered, but was very badly burnt.  The coroner, who was also the town's mortician, needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Rufus, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.  Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."  The mortician rolled him over,and Daryl said, "That ain't Bubba."  The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Rufus in to identify the body.  Rufus took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's been burnt real bad. Roll him over."  The mortician rolled him over and Rufus said, "Nope, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Rufus said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What!?  He had two assholes?," the mortician asked.

"Heck, everyone in town knows that! Every time we all went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"

Al Gore was brainstorming his campaign strategy with Bill Clinton at a Georgetown restaurant when the waitress came to take their order.  Gore ordered a salad and water, and Bill Clinton studied the menu for a second.  Then he looked up, smiled, and said, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress was offended.  "Mr. President," she said, "Considering all that your wife went through last year with Monica Lewinsky, I think that that's in particularly poor taste."  She stomped away to cry.

Al Gore leaned over to Clinton, looked at his menu, and whispered, "Uh, Bill, I think that's pronounced 'quiche.'"

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.  In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.  I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.  "Just answer the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine.  Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded.  "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?'"

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when she found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.  "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night.  Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.  She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.  "I just need one copy."

The alleged origin of these is a first-grade teacher that collected well-known proverbs.  She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder.  The results:

• As you shall make your bed so shall you.......mess it up.
• Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.
• Strike while the .........................bug is close.
• It's always darkest before............... daylight Savings Time.
• Never underestimate the power of..........termites.
• You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
• Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty.
• No news is................................impossible.
• A miss is as good as a....................Mister.
• You can't teach an old dog new............math.
• If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning.
• Love all, trust...........................me.
• The pen is mightier than the..............pigs.
• An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.
• Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.
• Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
• A penny saved is..........................not much.
• Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers.
• Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed.
• Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...................you have to blow your nose.
• None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder.
• Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded.
• If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.
• You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box.
• When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way.
• There Is No Fool Like.....................Aunt Eddie.

And the favorite:

• Better late than..........................pregnant.

"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants." - Ari K, age 7

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."  - Steven B, age 8

"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from." - Susannah K., age 6

"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off." - Jon G., age 12

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you.  They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10

"My dog had worms.  I think he was going fishing." - Emma B., age 4

 1.My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ...Don't talk back to me!"

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

"When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don't come running to me."

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

"How do you think you got here?"

"You're just like your father."

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. ...Then you'll see what it's like."

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.  He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.  The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.  I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.  The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter.  I was looking forward to this.  Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.  Sure hope the test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions.

"Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T?

"Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

"Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T' ?"  Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "0h, Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."  "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve!  Twelve!  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:  January second, February second, March second......"

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter.  "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too.  Let's go on with the next and final question.  Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy."

"OK, OK," said a frustrated St.Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.  "I learned it from the song.....

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN ...."

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde walk into a bar.  For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word.  The Brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give me an ML."  The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the Redhead walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a BL."  Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite.

Last, the Blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a Fifteen."

"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."

Q.  What do you call a handcuffed man?
A.  Trustworthy.

Q.  What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A.  You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q.  Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A.  Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q.  Why do men like smart women?
A.  Opposites attract.

Q.  How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A.  They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q.  How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A.  When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q.  How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A.  We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q.  How do men exercise on the beach?
A.  By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q.  How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A.  Make him wear shoes.

Q.  How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A.  He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q.  How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A.  All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q.  How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.  ONE.  He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q.  What did God say after creating man?
A.  I can do so much better.

Q.  What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A.  Any place without a drive-up window.

Q.  What do you call a man with half a brain?
A.  Gifted.

Q.  What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A.  Exchange him.

Q.  What should you give a man who has everything?
A.  A woman to show him how to work.

Q.  What's a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
A.  Telling you his real name.

Q.  What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A.  Put the remote control between his toes.

Q.  What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A.  Big Foot's been spotted several times.

Q.  What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A.  "My wife says."

Q.  Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
A.  So men can understand them.

Q.  Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A.  To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q.  Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A.  To keep them from grazing.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A.  Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A.  Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q.  Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A.  When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time, and she wanted to see the Capitol building.  Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus.  It'll take you right there."  She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.  The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus.  That was three hours ago.  Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops of down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

A broker sent a fax and then called to make sure that all 7 pages had been received.  The secretary checked the fax machine and told the man that we had only received one page and there was an error message.  The secretary then had someone else look at the fax machine to see if they could find the problem. This person said that the error message said received into memory.  He told her that that means the machine is out of paper.  In all seriousness the secretary looked at him and asked, "How do we know it is our machine and not their machine that is out of paper?"

• Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
• Use the expression: "sun break" and know what it means.
• Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
• Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
• Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
• Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
• Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
• Complain about Californians, as you sell your house for twice its value to one.
• Know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
• Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Clatskanie and Willamette.
• Consider swimming an indoor sport.
• Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
• In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while only working 8-hour days.
• Obey all traffic laws except "Keep right except to pass."
• Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
• Are not fazed by "Today's Forecast: showers followed by rain" and "Tomorrow's Forecast: rain followed by showers."
• Can't wait for a day with "Showers and sun breaks."
• Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
• Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Veneto's.
• Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
• Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover.
• Say "the mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it.
• Feel like you've grown up with Bill Gates and can't quite figure out why people can be so mean  to him.
• Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
• Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
• Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
• Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
• Knew immediately that the view out Frasier's window was fake.

• If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor.  After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.  He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
 9.  Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
 8.  His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
 7.  Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
 6.  Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
 5.  Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
 4.  At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
 3.  Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
 2.  Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"

1.  On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?" The doctor replies, "No, but the half year will seem pretty long."

So I go downstairs to get a coke to drink with my lunch, which I generally eat at my desk, only to find a woman in front of me with a handful of change.  She puts 60 cents in the soda machine, and chooses Coke.  The Coke comes out and she says, "Hurray!"  Then she puts in another 60 cents and chooses Sprite, and it comes out.  She again says, "Hurray!"  Then she puts even more money in.

As you can imagine, I'm growing a little impatient, and I say as politely as I can manage, "Excuse me, but do you mind if I get my soda so I can get back to work?"

She looks back angrily at me, and snaps, "Not now, I'm winning!"

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.  A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I  also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral:  To be sitting and doing  nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,  "but I haven't got the energy."  "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"  replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it  actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted  by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral:  Bullshit might get you to the  top, but it won't keep you there.

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground  in a large field.  While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.  The dung was actually thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to  investigate.  Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Morals:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly.  After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself.  So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.

"You can't go here.  Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.  "Here," said the cop, "whiz away."

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers.  "Ahhh.  Whew.  Thanks.  This is very nice of you.  Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No.  This is the American Embassy."

"I have a similar problem, Boris," Clinton replies, "I'm stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one."

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Reno, and decided to check out the nearby legal brothels (oops, I mean ranches).  When he drove to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?," he inquired.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame replied.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.  His search continued throughout the night until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame.

"That's more like it!," the shop steward exclaimed.

He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, gesturing to an unattractive old woman in the corner, "... but Bertha here has seniority!"

Three men are working on the 50th floor of a new building, when Bob falls and lands on the sidewalk. The other two mournfully discuss his death, and one says, "We have to go tell his wife."

John says, "I'm a sensitive, new age kind of guy, I'll go."

A few hours later he comes back to the job site carrying a 6-pack.  His friend says, "Where did you get the beer?"

John replies "Bob's widow gave it to me."

The first man says, "Let me understand this. You go tell a woman that her husband has just been killed and she give you a 6-pack?"

"Yeah" says John. "I went up to the door and when she answered, I said 'You must be Bob's widow.' She answered "I'm not a widow.' I said to her, 'Want to bet a 6-pack on that?'"

A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they took ornithology, thinking it would be an easy course.  After performing poorly for most of the semester, they decided in desperation to get to work, and spent weeks studying for the final.  The day of the exam arrived, and they felt that they were more than ready for the test.

The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs.  The teacher said, "This is your exam.  Name these birds by their legs."

After ten minutes one young man stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the blank paper down on the teacher's desk.  "Dammit!" he hollered, "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate!  How could you do this to me?"

The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, "Hey you, what's your name?"

The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, "I don't know sir.  You tell me."

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

• 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
• 2 French men and 1 French woman
• 2 German men and 1 German woman
• 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
• 2 English men and 1 English woman
• 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
• 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
• 2 American men and 1 American woman
• 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
• 2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
• 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

• One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
• The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
• The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.
• The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
• The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
• The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
• The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
• The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
• The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".
• Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
• The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whisky they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.

1.  "Always knock after dad comes."
                -- Brian, 3

2.  "Medicine only works if it's cherry flavored."
                --  Elissa, 9

3.  "Good food always comes with a toy."
                --  Ryan, 6

4.  "Just because your dog drinks from the toilet, doesn't mean you should."
                -- Juaquim, 7

5.  "Don't dry the dog in the microwave."
                -- Brittany, 5

6.  "Never ask dad about his "other" friend."
                -- Nippun, 10

7.  "If mommy says no, then you should ask daddy."
                -- Daniel, 7

8.  "You can't eat soup with a fork."
                -- Mel, 4

9.  "Don't pick your nose when you're fingerpainting."
                --Xiang, 8

10.  "Never ask mom when she's going to go on a diet."
                --Bob, 11

• People often joke about citizens in Eastern European countries flying with animals on the planes.  When I was visiting a small country in that part of the continent I had the option to upgrade to first class.  I looked at the brochure that didn't note any differences between coach and first class, so I asked the attendant what the difference was.  The attendant responded, "In first class the stewards clean up after the animals.  In coach, you have to."

• In Boston our flight was delayed at the terminal for about an hour.  When the plane finally taxied onto the runway the captain came on the intercom to apologize.  Making light of the issue, he said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to apologize for the delay.  It is crucial to the company that we provide the same service to all of our customers.  The ground crew was on break and we had to wait for them to return to insure that the right number of bags were sent to the wrong location."

• I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class.  During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies.  Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag.  After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me.  She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?"  I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

A woman walks into a convenience store.  She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager.  "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos?  Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph.  How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope.  Don't have that."

"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the damn store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

One day a bunch of workers were digging a hole.  While the men were digging, there was a supervisor telling them where to dig.  The men in the hole figured that the supervisor was getting paid more for doing less.  They sent a worker up to ask the supervisor why this was the case.

The supervisor said, "Because I'm smarter than you. That's why!  I was an economics major, while you were a liberal arts major!"  The worker argued with this man for a while.  So the supervisor pulled the worker aside and brought him to a nearby telephone pole.  He put his hand on the telephone pole and said, "Hit my hand."

The worker said, "Nah, I ain't gonna hit your hand!  You'll fire me!"  But the supervisor insisted.

So, the worker tightened his fist and tried to hit the supervisor's hand.  But the supervisor pulled his hand away, and the worker hit the telephone pole with full force, causing his hand to bleed. The supervisor said, "See.  That's why I'm smarter than you."

The worker went back to the hole with his bloody hand and started digging again.  The other workers came up to him and asked, "What did he say?"  The worker replied, "Let's put it this way..." then he paused.  He looked around and said, "Well, there don't seem to be any telephone poles around here."  So he put his hand in front of his face and said, "Alright, try to hit my hand."

==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 14
My dearest darling John:
Where on earth did you find a real partridge in a pear tree?  Thank you a hundred times!
All my love forever,
Lydia
==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 15
Dearest John:
I received your sweet gift. Imagine: two turtle doves! They're adorable. Thanks again!
Love always,
Lydia
==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 16
Dear John:
Aren't you the extravagant one. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens!
Love,
Lydia
==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 17
Dear John:
Today I got the four calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but isn't that a bit too romantic?
Affectionately,
Lydia
==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the UPS delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. Just in time, as those birds squawking were starting to get on my nerves, and I was beginning to wonder about you!
Love,
Lydia
==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. Please stop.
Cordially,
Lydia
==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 20
John:
What's with you and freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop everywhere. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop!
Lydia
==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 21
O.K. Buster:
What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds  -  they had to bring their cows! There's manure everywhere and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, smartass.
Lydia
==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 22
Hey Bonehead:
What are you...some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing - and I mean playing! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors want me evicted. What were you
thinking?!
==============================================================
From: Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>        December 23
You rotten jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I say "ladies." They've been fooling around with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the
police on you.
==============================================================
Lydia Zeltow  <lydia@zeltownet.com>              December 24
Listen you "#$%&*^#"
Great - now there's eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies. All twenty-three of the birds have been trampled to death in the orgy. The pipers have even started getting the cows into the action. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!!!
Your sworn enemy
==============================================================
Harrison Burnsley, Esq.<hburnsley@burnsleyhodgkins.com> December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Ms. Lydia Zeltow. The destruction of her property and peace of mind was, of course, total. All correspondence should come to our attention. Should you attempt to locate or contact Ms. Zeltow at the sanitarium where she now resides, the attendants have been instructed to have you arrested on
sight.
==============================================================

 1. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and shut the refrigerator.

Correct answer. Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

 4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

Correct answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point your hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.

3. Insist that your e-mail address be:  zena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage you colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area.  Insist to others that you like it that way.

12. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

13. dontuseanypunctuationorspaces

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are.

16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17. Sing along at the opera.

18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does.  (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're going.  For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23. Hum when you ride an elevator.

24. Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.

HOPE'S PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work.  He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.  Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing internet company.  After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews.  The first guy was great.  He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.  At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"  And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied, "Well, you have no ears."

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three.  It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college.  He was smart.  He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.  Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"  And to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes.  You wear contact lenses."  Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man.  How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

Ford says, "What do we do?"
Bush says, "Man the life boats!"
Reagan says, "What life boats?"
Carter says, "Women first!"
Nixon says, "Screw the women!"
Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think He is a lawyer.

Why are all the toxic dumps in New Jersey and all the lawyers in California?
New Jersey got the first pick.

What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
He stopped breathing.

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground instead of the usual six feet?
Because deep down, they are really good people.

What does a criminal lawyer have in common with Pee-Wee Herman?
They can both get themselves off.

What does a lawyer use for contraception?
His personality.

When do you really need a lawyer?
When you're talking to a lawyer.

What did the homicidal maniac say to the lawyer?
"How could you?"

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.  Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.  The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.  As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.  Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.  He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Bill Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test.  This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.

"Mr. Walters," the professor began.  "Is there something interesting written on your palm?"

"Not at all," Bill replied.  "It's all pretty boring."

STOCK:  A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it.  It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND:  What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER:  The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.  Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

BEAR:  What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL:  What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN:  Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION:  A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own.  Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir?  Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION:  The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK:  What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert.  In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."   However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and, in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration.  First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience was sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them, passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind, and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding.  According to Paolo, "Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion.  Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with an Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!"  Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.  Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas back-wards through the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet.  The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser.  And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.

The moral of the story?  Beware the next time you hear someone in the low brass section yell out,  "Hey, everyone, watch this!"

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope ...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.  Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.  You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.  "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.  What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell.  The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.  In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her.  They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.  She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.  She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.  Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter.  "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.  So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.   She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.  Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell.  When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.  She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.  The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.  Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled.  "Yesterday we were recruiting you.  Today you're staff."

A man was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 280.  Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!"

Q:  Why do husbands appreciate hell?

At least there, they know what they did wrong.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer.  "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior.  A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.  He might even find you in contempt of the court.  In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.  As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars.  It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What??  You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy.  I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"  The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"  The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!  The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well...?  what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says . . . go to hell . . . you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear.  His attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful, for it only made the bear mad.  Full of fear, he turned away and started to run as fast as he could.

Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.  His hopes were dim.  But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God!  Please give this bear some religion!"

Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter.  The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, "My God!  Thank you for the food I am about to receive..."

The Rev. Jerry Falwell recently outed Tinky Winky, from the television show, "Teletubbies", because, Falwell pronounced, "The character is clearly a fount of gayness. He is purple, the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people do."  But Falwell's work is far from over. Following are some other targets he is preparing to go after...

• Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle-Toes Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" He wears an orange vest with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
• Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp.
• Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.
• Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances.  Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
• Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin's nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman's real name is Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."
• Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football.  Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir.
• The Pink Panther
Enough said.

These are actual hiker comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed?  Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness.  Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.  Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."

The Internet Explained (Unfortunately)

10 Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's: (Aargh!  These aren't funny, they're true!) You try to enter your password on the microwave. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4. You e-mail your work colleagues to ask if they're ready to go to lunch. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from Europe, but  you haven't spoken to your next-door neighbour yet this year. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the  phone in a business manner. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

SPECIAL ALERT!!  You need to make sure that your toilet paper is Y2K compliant. It has been discovered that if it is not, on Jan 1 it will roll back to 1900 and turn into a Sears Roebuck catalog.

A priest, a rabbi and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.  The priest went first.  He was asked by the executioner which way he wanted to face, and he said "I will look to the Heavens and to my God."  He was laid down upon his back.  Then the executioner dropped the blade, and it jammed just above the priest's throat, and according to law, he was released.

Then it was the rabbi's turn, and he said he would also face upwards, because "I will look upward to my God." The same thing happened.  He was laid down upon his back, the blade dropped, it jammed, the prisoner was released according to the law.

Then it was the engineer's turn.  When asked which way he wanted to face, he said it might as well be up since it seemed to work out well for the priest and the rabbi.  As he was laid upon his back, he glanced up at the guillotine mechanism, and he said, pointing up, "I see what the problem is."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.  However, all the league records were destroyed in a fire. So we'll never know for whom the Tells' bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doc! I think I'm shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of gulls ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On his way back he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.  He was immediately arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products.  Since they already made the cases for pocket watches, they decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.  It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.  This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.  After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin.  One slept on an elk skin.  The third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.  The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.