KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:  To get to the other side.

PLATO:  For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:  It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:  Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:  This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:  I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:  To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:  Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:  Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.  The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.  Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.  Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a
Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.  The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.  Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:  The road, you see, represents the black man.  The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:  I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES:  And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road."  And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:  The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:  The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?  The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD:  Why does anyone cross a road?  I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD:  The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:  I have just released the new eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

OLIVER STONE:  The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"  Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN:  Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:  The chicken did not cross the road ... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die.  In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS:  I missed one?

JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay!  Isn't it obvious?  Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face?  The chicken was going to the "other side."  That's what "they" call it, the "other side."  Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.   And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.  I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."  That chicken should not be free to cross the road.  It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT:  Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

RONALD REAGAN (2):  What chicken?

BILL CLINTON (1):  I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.  What do you mean by chicken?  Could you define "chicken" please?

BILL CLINTON (2):  I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.  However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

KEN STARR:  I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up.  As a result, the chicken in just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law.  For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.  Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We are also investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

DR. SUESS:  Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Did he cross it with a fox?
Did he cross it on a box?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, we've not been told!

GRANDPA:  In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
 

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.  Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.  Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.  This stressed Santa even more.  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.  More stress.  Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.  He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.  The angel very cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas Santa!  Isn't it just a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you.  Isn't it just a lovely tree?  Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would free up their thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And all comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
As she started to bellow:

"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"

"On Cliff Notes!  On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a Good Test."

A new two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in:  Becoming A Real Man.  That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
 MEN 101         Combating Stupidity
 MEN 102         You, Too, Can Do Housework
 MEN 103         PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
 MEN 104         We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
 MEN 110         Wonderful Laundry Techniques
 MEN 111         Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
 MEN 112         Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
 EAT 100          Get a Life, Learn to Cook
 EAT 101          Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
 ECON 001A     What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
 MEN 120         How NOT to Act Like an Asshole When You're Wrong
 MEN 121         Understanding Your Incompetence
 MEN 122         YOU, the Weaker Sex
 MEN 123         Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
 SEX 101          You CAN Fall Asleep without It
 SEX 102          Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
 MEN 201         How to Stay Awake After Sex
 MEN 202         How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)

Winter Schedule:
 MEN 210         The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
 MEN 211         How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
 MEN 212         You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
 MEN 213         Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked
 MEN 230A       Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
 MEN 220         Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
 MEN 221         Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
 MEN 222         Real Men Ask for Directions
 MEN 223         Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
 MEN 230B        Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important, too

Course Electives:
 EAT 101          Cooking with Tofu
 EAT 102          Utilization of Eating Utensils
 EAT 103          Burping and Belching Discreetly
 MEN 231         Mothers-in-Law
 MEN 232         Appear to Be Listening
 MEN 233         Just Say "Yes, Dear"
 ECON 001B     Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal  and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.  "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

13.  Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.

12.  President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.

11.  IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.

10.  Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute...

9.  Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.

8.  Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.

7.  January 20:  Inauguration ceremonies
     January 21:  FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids

6.  Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.

5.  During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.

 4.  Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.

3.  Strom Thurmond finally removed by The Undertaker.

 2.  Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.

 1.  Before:  Mr. Vice President
      After:  Stone Cold Al Gore

The men wrote:  "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman!  Without her, man is nothing."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the other possibility).  As part of the negotations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English Spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.

The agreed plan is as follows:

In year 1, the soft 'c' would replaced by the 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.

In the 3d year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.  Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.

By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be applied to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil have a reli sensibil riten styl.  Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrirum vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Three engineers were riding in a car together, when it suddenly broke down.  The electrical engineer said, "It's probably a bad spark plug."  The mechanical engineer said, "No, it's a bad valve."  The computer software engineer said, "I know!  Let's all get out of the car, then get back in again!"

 ALABAMA:  Literacy Ain't Everything

  ARKANSAS:  At Least We're not Oklahoma

  CALIFORNIA:  Se Habla Ingles

  CONNECTICUT:  New York City's OTHER Suburb

  FLORIDA:  The Gunshine State

  IDAHO:  Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis

  ILLINOIS:  Gateway to Iowa

  INDIANA:  Home of Dan Quayle

  KANSAS:  Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole

  KENTUCKY:  Tobacco is a Vegetable

  MAINE:  For Sale

  MARYLAND:  We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It!

  MINNESOTA:  Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds

  MONTANA:  Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else

  NEW JERSEY:  The Garbage State

  NEW MEXICO:  Lizards Make Excellent Pets

  NEW YORK:  You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney ...

  NORTH CAROLINA:  Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

  OHIO:  Don't Judge us by Cleveland

  OREGON:  Jerry Garcia was here!

  PENNSYLVANIA:  Cook with Coal

  SOUTH DAKOTA:  Closer than North Dakota

  TENNESSEE:  The Educashun State

  TEXAS:  Don't Mess with Texas-We're Armed

  UTAH:  Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus

  VIRGINIA:  We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It!

  WASHINGTON:  Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp

  WEST VIRGINIA:  Incest is Best

Log On:         Making the wood stove hotter.

Log Off:        Don't add wood.

Monitor:        Keep an eye on the wood stove.

Download:       Getting the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz:     When you're not careful downloading (watch the toes!)

Floppy Disk:    What you get from piling too much wood.

RAM:            The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.

Hard Drive:     Getting home in mud season.

Prompt:         What you wish the mail was in mud season.

Windows:        What to shut when it's 30 below.

Screen:         What you need for black fly season.

Byte:           What black flies do.

Chip:           What to munch on.

Micro Chip:     What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.

Infrared:       Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.

Modem:          What you did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix:     Farmer Matrix's wife.

Lap Top:        Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard:       Where you hang your keys.

Software:       Plastic eating utensils.

Mouse:          What eats the horses' grain in the barn.

Main Frame:     The part of the barn that holds the roof up.

Port:           Fancy wine.

Enter:          C'mon in!

Random Access Memory:     You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in artificial stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

 His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?

-Craig Kilborn, Comedy Central

Wallace McRae

"What does reincarnation mean?"
A cowpoke ast his friend.
His pal replied, "It happens when
Yer life has reached its end.
They comb yer hair, and warsh yer neck,
And clean yer fingernails,
And lay you in a padded box
Away from life's travails.

"The box and you goes in a hole,
That's been dug into the ground.
Reincarnation starts in when
Yore planted 'neath a mound.
Them clods melt down, just like yer box,
And you who is inside.
And then yore just beginnin' on
Yer transformation ride.

"In a while the grass'll grow
Upon yer rendered mound.
Till some day on yer moldered grave
A lonely flower is found.
And say a hoss should wander by
And graze upon this flower
That once wuz you, but now's become
Yer vegetative bower.

"The posey that the hoss done ate
Up, with his other feed,
Makes bone, and fat, and muscle
Essential to the steed.
But some is left that he can't use
And so it passes through,
And finally lays upon the ground,
This thing, that once wuz you.

"Then say, by chance, I wanders by
And sees this upon the ground,
And I ponders, and I wonders at,
This object that I found.
I thinks of reincarnation,
Of life, and death, and such,
And come away concludin':  Slim,
You ain't changed all that much."

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.

Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a TicTac.

When you're sad, the best place to be is in Grandma's lap.

 1.   You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

 2.   You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

 3.   You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

 4.   You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.

 5.  You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

 6.  You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

 7.  You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com.

 8.  All of your friends have an @ in their names.

 9.  Your cat has its own home page.

 10.  You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.

 11.  You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

 12.  You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

 13.  You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

 14.  You tell the cab driver you live at <http://www.1000.edison.rd/house/brick.html>

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders.

 2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.

 3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

 4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or "Naw".

 5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.

 6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse.

 7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"

 8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky Heart".

 9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"

 10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++".

 11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.

 12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word.

 13. Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers.

 14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!".

 15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".

 16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

 17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse.

 18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.

 19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire.

 20. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard.

 21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

 22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates.

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

 Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

 On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day."

 In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

 On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

 At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

 On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

 On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

 In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

 On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

 On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

 At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

 On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

 At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment."

 Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

 Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

 At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

 In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

 On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one just left."

 In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

 At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

 In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

 On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

 On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

 In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

 Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

 In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

 On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

 In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

 In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

 12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."

 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.

 Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

TITANIC: Video $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON: Video $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,  a subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON: Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON: Let's not go there.

TITANIC: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent.

TITANIC: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON: Bill goes home to Hillary.