If Europe were heaven, the French would be the cooks, the Germans would be the engineers, the Italians would be the lovers, the British would be the policemen, and the Swiss would be the bankers.
If Europe were hell, the British would be the cooks, the French would be the engineers, the Italians would be the bankers, the Germans would be the policemen, and the Swiss would be the lovers.
| 1. | A cattleman from Nevada, who was quite fond of his home state, finally
died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great
gate, he noticed that the terrain was rocky and bare, with no greenery
but sagebrush. He remarked to the gate keeper, "How do, Saint Peter.
Say, I always thought Heaven would look just like Nevada!"
The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?" |
| 2. | After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket,
and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear
them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband, and a teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of my students, our leaders of tomorrow." The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!" |
| 3. | Three doctors arrived at the pearly gates. The first, a pediatrician, was warmly welcomed. The second, a cancer specialist, was similarly received. "What did you do?" St. Peter asked the third. "I worked for an HMO." St. Peter checked his book, and said, "Okay, you can come in but you have to leave after three days." |
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away.Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you
return, and then get sick.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're out is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations!" said the teacher, "You may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, one boy muttered, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll
see you Monday."
Is there a Perfect
Joke?
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with ..
the other is used to carry groceries.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start
nuthin."
Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board. He says, "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"
Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
What's the different between a Jehovah's Witness and a Yugo?
You can slam the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get
a raw deal.
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN
Cops have nothing to go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO
WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
But it uses up a thousand times the memory
The Meek shall inherit the earth ...after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already
Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
HAM AND EGGS
A day's work for a chicken;
A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE
So keep on going.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
JESUS LOVES YOU
It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
It's a lot easier on you.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
JESUS IS COMING! Look Busy.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.
The old man couldn't keep from staring at the youngster. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
c:\Let there be light!
Enter user id.
c:\God
Enter password.
c:\Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\Righteous_Anger
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\Create light
Done
c:\Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\Create firmament
Done.
c:\Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\Create dry_land
Done.
c:\Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\Create fish
Done
c:\Create fowl
Done
c:\Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\Create cattle
Done
c:\Create creepy_things
Done
c:\Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\Create man
Done
c:\Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and
over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\Insert breath
Done
c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\Copy woman from man
Done
c:\Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\Create desire
Done
c:\Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\Create freewill
Done
c:\Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill
is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement,
cancel, or ask for help.
c:\Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\Create good, evil
Done
c:\Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors.
c:\Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\Break
c:\Break
c:\Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN
FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:\Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
c:\Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH
8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest one that is killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
Much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Knowledge only found through extensive research on university campuses like the University of Nevada, Reno. And now you know.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How
did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.
It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
A panda sauntered into a bar and grill where a piano player was plunking out blues standards on the piano. The panda walked up to the counter and told the manager "Give me a sandwich and a beer." Now, the manager had seen a lot of strange characters and knew it was important to keep his cool, so he just replied, "Sure enough, stranger." and slapped a ham sandwich and a cold frosty one in front of the bear. The panda, who must have been quite hungry and thirsty, gulped down the sandwich and washed it down with the beer on the spot. He then deftly pulled out a pistol, drew a bead on the piano player in the corner, and plugged him squarely between the eyes. The manager was dumfounded as he watched the bear return his gun to his pocket and walk out the front door.
"Hey, you! What the heck is going on here?" shouted the manager as he ran out after the bear. The panda stopped and turned slowly in his tracks. "Well, what did you expect?" he said.
"Well, I sure didn't expect you to shoot the piano player. Good help is hard to find. Besides, you still owe me for lunch."
"I'm a PANDA. Look it up." replied the bear before continuing on his way.
The manager was too upset and nervous to rile such an unpredictable sort, so he picked up his unabridged from the shelf, and flipped through it for the entry for "panda."
"Darn." he muttered as he read the entry. He realized that there was not a thing he could do about. There it was, in black and white, written by an authority no less than Noah Webster himself:
pan-da n. A large bear-like animal of the mountains of China and Tibet, with distinctive white and black markings. Eats shoots and leaves.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans
when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who
belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take
care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic
to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they
can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American
channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there
watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball,
and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and
rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms
in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything
they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live
on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live
on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas,
& liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas,
& liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally
suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally
suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several
beers.
1. When the waiter came to take our order, I asked, "What is the soup du jour?" The waiter turned to me and responded very slowly and clearly, "It's the Soup...OF---THE---DAY."
2. My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while.
After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was asleep timer set for 90 minutes!
[Editor's tip: Next time you're visiting the home of Induhviduals, send them to the kitchen to get you a beer. (It usually takes two of them to handle the task.) While they're gone, set the sleep timer function on their TV to 30 minutes. Visit them again in a week and mention you're in the market for a low-cost television set.]
3. I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you moron?"
4. I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer and have been waiting for approval for over five weeks. I found out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer was unable to get verification of my employment.
5. A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down." The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor yelled "Don't touch it!" When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow, that is sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker.
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away. Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could verify how sharp it was.
[Editor's note: The worst job in that company is the person who has to update the sign that says, "No accidents in ___ days."]
6. A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)." I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road.
7. A friend of mine was helping shingle a roof when the air-nailer he was using went off, driving a nail through the webbing between his thumb and pointer finger. Upon arriving at the emergency room, the receiving nurse took one look at my friend's hand and asked the following question: "Why didn't you just stop pounding?"
[Editor's note: While I admit this appears to be an Induhvidual sighting, I suspect the nurse has had Induhvidual patients who don't notice they are nailing their own hands until they have trouble leaving for a smoke break.]
8. After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health & Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."
[Editor's note: I say it's time to have a fire drill and test the window option yourself.]
9. One day at lunch at my high school, one of my friends selected a piece of pizza and went to pay for it. Apparently, however, it costs more to get a piece of pizza than it does to get a "meal," which would be a piece of pizza AND a vegetable.
The cafeteria lady insisted that he had to get a vegetable if he wanted to pay less. My friend pointed out that there were no vegetables left in the line at this point, so he couldn't get any. The cafeteria lady proceeded to make him wait while she went to find some corn, despite his insistence that he wouldn't eat the corn anyway. After waiting about ten minutes, he got the corn, paid for his lunch, ate the pizza and threw the corn away.
[Editor's note: Young folks will be happy to know that people like the cafeteria lady have another name in the post-school world. They're called "your boss."]
10. We had a power outage during a thunderstorm. As we peered from our dark cubicles to the outside world, my director commented that it looked like power was out for miles, since the office buildings as far as we could see were also dark.
Our temp admin said, and I quote: "But then why are the cars running?"
11. During a bout of tornadic weather, a local TV newsperson standing by a roadside at 5:20 p.m. made the statement that the sky was growing very dark, indicating that this was a sign of tornadoes approaching. Since it was January, it was also a sign that the sun was going down.
12. Today I received a series of e-mails outlining the fact that the jackets we received as a safety award were themselves safety hazards and were not to be worn inside the plant.
[Editor: If I ever die in a freak factory accident, I want to be found wearing a safety award jacket. People would always remember me for that.]
13. I was in my company's gift shop when I overheard one of the employees ask her manager if she could take a break.
"I just want to go smoke a cigarette and get some fresh air."
It is worthy to note that she followed her comment with a nice, moist-sounding cough. I wonder if she'll ever complain that whenever she smokes outside, the air just doesn't seem that fresh?
14. I recently had a garage sale in which I was selling an old beater of a motorcycle that wasn't running, for $50. An Induhvidual negotiated me down to $30 and I made the sale. After getting the title notarized, I was making out the bill of sale when the Individual asks, "Can I get your phone number too, in case I have any problems with it?"
15. I am turning in my own mother: She used to think that the letters of the yogurt chain, TCBY, stood for Thank God It's Yogurt.
16. At work, a representative for an office supply store was telling us about their line of glare screens for computer monitors. We were planning to buy them for all the computers. About ten minutes into the presentation, one of our Induhviduals raised his hand and said, "I thought we were going to be getting ANTI-glare screens."
I guess he was worried we would get the product that increases the glare on your screen.
From a little book called Disorder in the Court. They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 4 years olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded resturant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Reno has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Taoism
Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Confucianism
Confucius says "Shit happens."
Confucius says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
Buddhism
If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Zen
What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism
I've seen this shit before.
This is not a religion, it is a way of life.
This shit happening IS you.
Judaism
Why does shit always happen to US?
Islam
If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take shit.
Zoroastrism
Shit happens half the time.
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
Sikhism
Leave our shit alone.
Shamanism
Whoaa.... Holy Shit!
Hare Krishna
Shit happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it .... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Catholicism
If shit happens, you deserve it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
Charismatic Catholicism
Shit is happening, because you deserved it, but we love you anyway.
Calvinism
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Lutheranism
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
Anglicanism
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Jehovah's Witnesses
No shit happens until Armageddon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens. Here, we insist you take our shit."
Rosicrucianism
What is AMORC shit?
Mysticism
This is really weird shit.
Agnosticism
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not
sure whether it's shit or not.
How can we KNOW if shit happens? You can't prove any of this shit.
New Age
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
Scientology
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
Freemasonry
If shit happens hammer it off.
Guruism
Om -- Shit --om!
Manichaeism
Shit is the absence of light.
Comparative Science of Religion
Let's look what this shit is about, let's talk about it and try to
understand the inner structure of this shit that happens everywere.
There were four sophomores taking an economics course. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to drive out of town to party with some friends. They had a great time... however, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to the university until Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone out of town for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about supply and demand.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room,"this
is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then
turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
Actual Headlines - Was the editor asleep?
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: "Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labeled For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
From the Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
From the Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'
From the Gloucester Citizen: 'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying "He got what he deserved."'
From the Scottish Big Issue: 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a lie", explained Mr. Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
From the Derby Abbey Community News: We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."
From the Guardian: "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."
From the Manchester Evening News: "Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket."
An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment.
After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51- year-old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.
Following a drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.
From the Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."
and finally............
An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from
a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people
watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo
and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly
before other circus people realized what had happened.
From Ferris Bueller's Day Off (as students' eyes glaze over, and one drools on his notebook)
Economics Teacher: In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of
Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the...
Anyone? Anyone? ...the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone?
Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act?
Which, anyone? Raised or lowered? ...raised tariffs, in an
effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it
work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work,
and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today
we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is?
Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before?
The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that
at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount
of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does
anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone?
Something d-o-o economics: "Voodoo economics."
Two old Norwegians, Sven and Oli, were drinking coffee one morning and complaining about farming. Sven complained of the costs of fertilizer, and Oli asked why he didn't just use the nightsoil from his outhouse? Sven said, "Ya, well I used to, but I really hate shoveling it all out."
Now, Oli was an old bachelor farmer who did things his own way, and he told Sven that he had a much easier way. Back in the war the army taught him all about munitions, and Oli argued that a properly set charge could lift up and distribute the nightsoil over Sven's few acres.
Sven was intrigued. So one morning Oli came over to help Sven fertilize, and he carefully lowered sticks of dynamite through the outhouse hole. Oli set the fuse, and then they both ran to hide behind the truck.
Just then, Sven's wife Olga came running out of the house, and before Sven could stop her she ran into the outhouse and slammed the door shut. Sven was running towards it when the charge blew, and the outhouse shot up into the air. Just like Oli said, a finely dispersed mist was raining down, and the outhouse slammed back down to earth, landing right back where it started.
Sven yanked the door open, and said, "Olga! Are you alright?"
Olga said, "Ya. But, hoo boy, I'm glad I didn't let that one go
in the house!"
Caveman Tech Support
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This fire help. Me GroogMe Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh
You hit them together?
Ugh
What happen?
Fire not work
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
(sigh) You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
(Groog grabs a club and goes to Lorto's cave) WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
And you wonder why we had a revolution?
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
Quotable Quotes:
1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the
brain,involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.
The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1) fighting; 2) fleeing;
3) feeding; and 4) mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology
intro course
4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked
from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three
thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm
7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
"How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks,
"How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Economics degree
asks, "Is the economy producing the efficient quantity?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have
had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry
11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a
vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are
merely rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James
13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full
of tapes hurtling down the highway.
-- Andrew Tannenbaum
14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the
wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that
sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid
again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a
cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain
15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause
comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly
for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers --
and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities
and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick,
Ireland)
18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- over one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast
21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
straps.
-- Emo Phillips
22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability
to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so
much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the
Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp
27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line
between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary
rights of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are
sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in
this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not!
But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python
29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your
house.
-- George Carlin
30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy
32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have
a meaning of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do
you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
a. Writing his memoirs of
the Civil War.
b. Advising the President.
c. Desperately clawing at
the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue
to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson
40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
Unless we lose game five.
-- Charles Barkley
41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character,
but then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya
Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
42. The most important thing in the programming language is the
name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently
invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
-- D. E. Knuth, 1967
43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in
what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9,
of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
44. Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject
to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the
living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed,
frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the
smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the
large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air,
but only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member
of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius,
but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in
the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed
to be in the front?
47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average
(mean) number of legs.
-- E. Grebenik
49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac
51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what
do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is
to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch
53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone
wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than
one night."
-- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles
Schulz]
54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not
mad.
-- Salvador Dali
55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence
of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
-- Sigmund Freud
56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to
anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-- Mark Twain
58. "Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...
You consider McDonald's "real food."
You actually like doing laundry at home.
4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
It starts getting late on the weeknights.
Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
You'd rather clean than study.
"Oh fuck how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
Computer Solitaire is more than a game. It's a way of life.
You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
You know the pizza boy by name.
You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
You live for getting mail (E-mail included).
Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
Prank phone calls become funny again.
It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on.
World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.
You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
You find out milk crates had so many uses.
Wal-mart is the coolest store.
The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night).
You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been in college too long.